Footnotes: Its only 3.30am, geez, why do I push myself. I cant think of anything except going to sleep, so, er, why this story? I dont know. I've had the story knocking about for a while but really, I have to go to sleep. YAAAWN
ok, so a few days later. this story? i dont really know what i'm doing really, i just have a passion to get these two characters working together. I think shes a synthesis of all the girls ive ever done, but more importantly shes imaginery, but not in the imaginery sense, more like the she is one of these things, a gjost, my daughter, my wife, my girlfriend, my friend. But most of all she doesn't exist, but the stories are real and so is she. As i said, I just have a passion to draw these characters together, before I die. And before I die they have important things to do, voting. I dont think i'm going to die for a long while, but what I mean is the me that is me is dying, I can feel it. I'm becomng more and more aware of my own death and i'm bitter because there was so much in my life that just never happened, and as I sit here alone each day cant help but focus on how shit my life is and what that means for the future. i'm living in the past more these days and theres nothing in the past to live for, just nightmares. I hate all my pst except the hope I had to meet a girl and whilst thats all bullshit in the popular sense, its all i give a shit about, and each day i dwell on the fact that i have no children and that i am imprisoned in this lonely death camp on my own with nothing but nightmares to torture my soul, and I greive for people that know me, not that there are many, but a few it must be terrible to see my death because its so apparent in my minds eye, and it'll never repair itself, and whats worse is the enemy are still attacking. and each day i sit here in this SHIT HOLE existance people are sat about in warm homes with loving partners and children to distract them and each secon i'm alone I can see her taking care of his needs, and teaching my children, and its all wrong, because I tried and I was twarted by forces I could not fight or did not want to fight. Anyway, all that aside, i cant rest inside and this story is me trying to make a mark in time, not for any real reason but to just because i feel i have to do it. I dont even know what this story will work out like, but as i sink deeper and deeper into this incredible condition im becoming more and more aware thats its a strange and wonderous place that i have to record some how because its beautiful in a way, like my death is a blossom that would otherwise be seen by no one. Like in the end of that Binoche Film La Veue de something or other when the guy is going to be executed, you can feel it as he read from the book 'the beautiful green meadows' which is quite hard for him and then he is executed. its all quite strange, i dont really know, i cant think straight right now, but one thing is that i dont think theres going to be much emotion in this, not facial emotion, and not intentional, its sort of sullen, like in pulp fiction. sort of sombre, but in by head theres this strange techno beat and its like i'm on a drug high and its all happening to acid music, and its very quick, which is difficult to do as it'll take forever to draw. but its that beat or that drive that pushes me forward, its like reality has vanished and all there is is this reason to draw and create this story. I dont want to it all in one sitting, but its calling me to do it above and beyond all else like its important. its not got any words in it either because of te same thing, not that i really know but its like im driven from above, or from god, and the words are superflous, like somthing has to be done and i'm just doing it without really knowing what i'm doing. Not that i'm fanatical, I mean the next page might take months, but its that buzz i always get when i'm inspired and its compelling. I think one of the main drivers is that i've not done much lately and certainly not much i was happy with, like windsor was shit and get out of my fucking way was really dragging in my mind and the first page looks crap and i has sort of decided that the future is the combination of these two people. but i also feel that theres no one to stop me, no one to make me feel that its a bad and terrible idea, and I know that if I had company, good or bad it would send me down to a place where I knew this was bad, but out here on this high it seems so right and thats strange and thats sort of why I just want to get it done, I feel like i'm on a step ladder reaching into the heavens for stars and I know soon the unoiverse police will bust me so i have to be quick. But i'm also more and more aware that its all shit. that my comics and my life are wasted, that it wont mean anything other than a damnation of my own character, my prospects and all that, like it wont change the world, and it wont impress people, but also, i'm more awre that from my counter i can see people reading stuff, and i can see what they read and how long it took them and you can see what they saw and its like you can see the message they got, what they learned and what they must be thinking, and you can sort of gauge certain things, like the read a certain story and it was important and that maybe i saved someone or helped someone because i believe my work is theraputic, calming, soothing, even if it is violent, and its like i have told them something but theres more i want to say, and i want to say it before i die or rather before the ladder to the stars falls from beneath me. No that i feel that i am truly gift, i am constantly being humbled by other peoples stuff, and that makes me want to give up or feel stupid for doing what i do so i have sort of stopped looking at other stuff, or at least looking at it so intently. Instead I just browse, i dont read in too deep anything anymore because i dont want it to demoralise me, to make me feel shit about my own stuff. Well, its all bollox really, i'm just waffling. I know all this is crap but I want to say stuff because i can feel the rush. in fact theres so much i feel i want to say and i have started thinking that i should just keep a huge blog instead of draw comics because in a comic you can only say 1% of what you want to say and I always have so much to say and then i forget it and i hate forgetting things because everything is so important and then its lost.
so thats that.